Fear is a good thing

ni  Alvin Joseph Mapoy 

Bulacan State University 

Top 8,  2015 Psychometrician Licensure Board Examination, PRC, July 2015

Hello po, gusto ko lang ishare yung experience ko last year. sa #RoadtoRPm at 1 year na ng release ng boards (sabi sa net pero tanda ko july 31 ko nalaman yung results).

Anyway, lahat siguro nang nangyari sa akin sa boards unexpected. tandang-tanda ko nung March 2015 bago ang graduation, sabi ko sa sarili ko 2016 na ako kukuha ng boards. Natatakot kasi talaga ako. During that time, alam ko nang gagraduate ako bilang Magna cum laude and I am proud of that, kaso yung pressure na syempre Cum laude ka latin honor ka, syempre dapat pumasa ka sa board exam. 

At natatakot akong mapahiya ang mga faculty ng school na pinangalingan ko. Nahihiya rin ako na mapahiya ako sa sarili ko. Ilang beses na rin kasing hindi ko natupad yung ineexpect ko sa sarili ko. Mahirap kasing magexpect, alam ko, pero yun nga, nakakapressure yung expectations, pero ayun nagtake ako ng board exam, bakit? because sabi ng prof ko, "Fear is a good thing" mas magiging maingat daw ako pag natakot ako at mas malaki ang chance na pumasa kaysa sa pag kampante ka.

Fast forward, during the review, after ng graduation, nagstart na ako, kaso ayun, walang kwenta ang pagrereview sa first few months. Distance learning lang kasi ako nakaenroll that time, hawak ko yung oras ko, dahil nga dun, 3 hours lang (minsan 1 hour) lang ako makapagreview araw-araw. Ano inaatupag ko? Ayun, computer games (need for speed, gta, etc.), ewan ko ba sa akin. Nagaasikaso pa ng requirements kaya ayun, wala, halos walang nadagdag sa karunungan ko. lol.

Tapos, one month na lang, dun na talaga dumating yung pressure sa akin. Napaiyak na lang ako sa sobrang takot kasi maraming nageexpect sa akin na papasa ako. Maski yung pamilya ko tanda ko sabi nila ang ineexpect nila is top 10 ako. Dun talaga ako nagulantang, yung after ng grad, gusto ko pang gawin lahat para mag-top 10 pero dumating yung 1 month na lang, tapos halos wala pa sa kalingkingan yung modules na nareview ko. 

Naalala ko talaga na umiyak ako mga 1 month, kasi feeling ko di talaga ako papasa. To the point, na sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na wala akong kwenta, na ang bobo ko, na ang tamad-tamad ko, bakit ko pa ineexpect na pumasa ako, eh ang bobo at tamad ko? Kinabukasan after ng aking "existenial crisis" sumugod ako sa Recto at naghanap ng reference books, naka almost 3k ako nun. Simula noong araw na yun, yung dating 3 hours kong pagreview, 8 hours na. Ang pahinga lang talaga is lunch tapos matutulog ako agad after dinner. Ayoko talagang pagurin yung sarili ko, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Hindi rin ako gumamit ng manila paper na isasabit sa dingding. Binasa ko yung mga libro na parang novels ni JK Rowling. 

1 week to go before the board exams, di ko nagawa yung goal ko na matapos yung modules at libro ko, nakakakalahati lang ako ng mga libro. Ayun, sabi ko, wala na to. Hindi na ko papasa, lalo na't narinig ko sa prof sa review center na usually daw ang pumapasa nagbabasa ng isang buong libro per subject eh ako? Puro hanggang chapter 5 lang dun sa 4 na libro. Tapos umattend ako ng parang final coaching, sa harap talaga kami pumuwesto ng mga kakilala ko. Ayun, confident kasi ako sa harap ng ibang tao pero that time, di ko mapigilang kabahan ng sobra, everytime na may sasabihin yung prof na di ko alam kinakabahan ako, sabi ko napaka-limited naman ng alam ko, pero di ko pinahalata sa mga kaibigan kong nageexpect sa akin. Medyo maayos naman grades ko sa mga mock exams, pero never tumataas sa line of 8, pero sabi ng mga kaibigan ko baka daw magtop ako. That time, di na ako umaasa. Naalala ko pa meron isang prof doon, na nagfinal push sa akin na baka nga kaya kong pumasa.

Dumating yung board exam, ayun, first subject TOP (yes, tuwang-tuwa ako, feeling magta-top notcher, mga 15 lang di ako sure na sagot), kaso after ng second subject (psych assessment) ayun diretso kay St. Jude (sa La Consolacion kasi ako nagexam), todo dasal na pumasa na lang ako, kahit di na magtop basta pumasa. Dumating yung last subject nung second day (I/O Psych), ayun halos maluha-luha na ako, di ko kasi nasagutan yung apat na tanong eh akala ko that time pag may blangko, (hal. number 45 yung di ko nasagutan, yung sagot sa number 46 mapupunta sa 45). Tinext ko pa yung mentor ko sabi ko "sir, baka di ako pumasa, may nablangkuhan akong number" sabi naman niya di naman ganun yun. Pero di ako convinced.

When waiting for the exam results, ayun, 10 days agonizing grabe, halos mamatay ako.  Pero naalala ko na around 7:00 am, naliligo ako may nagtext sa akin, sabi topnotcher daw ako. Feeling ko niloloko lang ako kaya diretso PRC at ayun nga nasa TOP 10 ako. Halos maiyak ako sa sobrang tuwa lahat ng sacrifices, worth it. lahat ng pagdududa ko sa sarili ko, nawala. Grabe, ang bait ni Lord. Siguro yun yung pinakaunexpected na nangyari sa buhay ko. 

Napakaunexpected nang lahat. Yung tao na pinagdududahan yung kanyang kakayahan siya pa yung nag-TOP 10. Hirap paniwalaan. Siguro ganun naman talaga ang buhay, minsan kung kailan ka kamuntikan nang sumuko, dun pa papatunayan ni Lord na dapat di ka sumuko. Na matuto rin tayong magtake ng risk. Sabi nga ng mentor namin, "Always remember that you are greater than the 450 questions" kahit magtop ka, pumasa, o bumagsak, hindi yun yung sukatan. The most important thing is the journey itself. At least for me.

#BLEPP2015

#RoadtoRPm

An Oath to Take

(Note: Below is a personal story of one of 2014 BLE Psychometrician topnotchers who preferred to be anonymous.)

Yesterday I took an oath... And lest I forget one of the most crucial time in my life... I decided to simply write about it.

GRADUATION.

Graduating from college was a very powerful and empowering experience. It was pure bliss. And to be able to have a degree at one of the most excellent universities in the country was cherry on top. And so fresh from graduation I had the time of my life. Celebrations went on and on. I traveled with friends, climbed mountains, went to the provinces of my parents... I had not been able to stay at my house for a whole day I think. It was an unforgettable summer for me.

Everything had to end though. That  summer ended. And back in my room I was faced with this BIG QUESTION: What's next? Life taunts me... "Hey, what should you do with that degree you were so proud of?"

And I know then that I had to do something. So I started hunting jobs. But I was way too picky. I applied for jobs, passed those exams, calls here and there, all those necessary stuff. I received offers... which I all declined. Now, all of us know that applying for a job is HARD work. But I always find myself rejecting the jobs I had worked hard for. "WHY?" I asked myself every time. And the only answer I get is a vague "You know you're not ready."

I had a constant argument with myself. It went like this:

"You know you can be ready if you want to"

"Oh yeah?! That's not so simple.  My heart's not yet ready."

"You're impossible! That company is so good! You're wasting money, and we're talking about months of salary here!"

"I said I'm not yet ready."

And a new set of argument would follow suit. I wasn't ready, perhaps. Or maybe, I just needed lots of time to think things through. But I still had another problem... The Board Exam.

Honestly, I was one of those who felt unenthusiastic about BLEPP. It was just an unwanted burden that I had to take on. It made my possible career paths more difficult to achieve. I felt like Harry Potter. In a way, I was one of the first "chosen ones" who needed to walk on this unpaved road. Crazy. I felt like Harry Potter as he faced Voldemort. I was terrified. I'm aware that I was risking my name, my reputation, my dreams and a whole lot more. I'm even risking my sanity in the process, come to think of it.  And to think that I had to "waste" a precious 7 months to prepare for this hateful board exam was just too much. My life was literally put on hold. I was frustrated.

Ironically, I was one of the first few who enrolled in the review classes offered by my university. But that's only because my parents were already asking what I'd do with my life. So I put on a bright face and told them I want to review for the exam.

Funny thing is, I think I was the one who pushed my friends and blockmates (who were all as confused as I am right then) to enroll in the review classes. Haha. All I was thinking then is this: At least we've something to do... for now.  

I stopped applying for jobs. Yet I still wasn't taking the review seriously. I only went to classes because I miss my blockmates and my beautiful university. I was going through the motions. I had awful test scores every time. But I didn't care. Not really. Until I realized that I was not being myself. This is not me anymore. I've always been persistent. And when I do something, I give it the best I've got. My dislike of the board exam got in the way of my enthusiasm for life. So I decided to turn this "threat" into a "challenge" that I have to take. And I do take challenges very seriously.

Also, I  wanted to take this review time not just so I can pass the board exam, but that so I can retain most of what I've learned in the 4 years I've studied this beautiful course, Psychology. I've always been and will always be inlove with this subject. Looking back, I chose this course just because... Just because.  Haha. It was a spontaneous decision. I just wanted to study a versatile course because I still do not know what to do with my life then. I was soul-searching, in a way. But I never regretted that one spontaneous decision that changed my life. However, I realized after graduation that the versatility of this course is a double-edged sword. I wanted to be a Guidance Counselor on my first year in college, an HR Manager the next year, Clinical Psychologist on the third,  Social Worker the next, or a preschool teacher perhaps?! I wanted to do all of that. I was frustrated. Yet this review time enabled me to gather my thoughts and decide on what I really want to do with my life...

Moment by moment, I've found myself being enthusiastic and joyful about all of this. I struggle every now and then, old doubts creep in sometimes... The chances of failure was huge. But then there were my friends. I had them during college, I still have them now. Even though some of them went to med school, some are now working, others migrated... their love and support are still with me. They touched me in ways different with that of my family. Perhaps because they chose me, and stayed anyway :)

Every now and then I studied with my reviewmates/friends at coffee shops (which always turns out to be kwento time! Lol). I thought that we couldn't get any closer by now, after 4 years of being together... but we did. Sharing all those test anxieties, bouts of fear and all those feelings related to unemployment and struggles toward maturity, we supported each other more than we could ever fathom... I loved them more than ever.  Also, I am now friends with college batchmates whom I haven't even said a single hello to when we were in college. Another thing is that I've been reunited with my highschool friends who also studied psychology. I was soooo happy to be with them again. Moreover, I became closer with my sister too! She's a law student and we were both too busy sometimes. But ever since I reviewed for the board exams we became closer than ever before.                                        
The most touching thing though is my relationship with God. I admit that I didn't have enough time for Him in college. Now, I started rekindling my love for Him. I started rereading the Bible. I started to say novenas, like novenas to St. Jude and St. Claire. I also faithfully attended every Wednesday a novena mass at Baclaran. Since then I got in touched with His Suffering Mother. She also faced the unknown, she also faced uncertainties like me right now... but she triumphed.  I was so drawn to her and she gave me so much strength. My supportive parents even accompanied me to Manaog. It was such a lovely place for a soul. I felt tranquility. This review time had been turned into a beautiful spiritual experience for me as well. Also, this was a secret, but I attended mass every single day as I review. My parents thought that I was just with friends or something. It's just that our church is near and I felt that I had so much time in my hands to not be able to give Him an hour of my everyday. Attending daily mass was such a big help to me, in ways that I can't fully explain.      

A couple of months passed. Everything's going so well for me. Enlightened, that's what I am. Happy and blessed, too. Until I only had a month...  Time was terribly fast. I've only finished TOP and bits of IO then. I know I know. It's because I also reviewed Gen Psych, Biopsych, Social Psych, Beh. Measurement & Analysis and Human Dev't... Ok I know, I'm crazy. But I promised to review everything right? So I can retain the four precious years of study... But due to my stubbornness, now I barely have time anymore for the other subjects. And when I think of all the time I read novels... argh. Anyway so week by week I crammed everything as much as possible. But it was still in vain.


MOCK EXAMS

Those exams mocked me, alright.  The mock exams turned out to be a diagnostic exams for me. I didn't follow the pacing of our review classes. So there. I was so scared by now.

A week before the exams I was convinced I wouldn't be able to pass. Despite my faith that God could grant anything for me, I meekly told Him that no matter what happens I'd understand and I'd still be thankful for the Halcyon days He has given me.

Still, I cringe everytime I tried to picture myself failing the exams. I really tried to accept it in advance. I know that I do not deserve to pass. But I think of my parents and they sure deserve to see their daughter pass. If there was anyone as concerned as I with my future, it was my family. I couldn't bear to disappoint them. I would be shattered if I fail. Later on I learned that my father was worried that I wouldn't pass so he prayed (he's not really spiritual).

Two days before the exam I went to a Mcdo Cafe so I can burn the midnight oil with a friend. Guess what, I finished 5 large coffee refills just so I'd stay awake to finish our entire book for Human Resouce Management. I'm a fast reader, but I haven't finished it, much to my dismay. It was six am when we went home. Clap, clap, clap. That was the first time since college that I'd stay awake after midnight just to study. I've still got a day to study but I haven't even started reviewing Psych Assessment. I was so forlorn. Besides  I have no inkling on how to study that subject. I studied our handouts (I haven't even read any of our handouts yet) but I felt that it wasn't enough. By then I know that my chances of passing are getting slimmer.


THE EXAMS

Those 2 days of examination... The exams... Everything's a blur. I remember that I was studying until the very last minute. I couldn't help it. I know very well that I should be resting and stuff, but I can't. I was panicking, my heart was filled with this sickly dread that everything would go wrong. On the first day I only had 4 hours of sleep. I was nauseatingly nervous and sleepy and hopeful all at the same time. I went to St Jude first thing in the morning since I was just assigned to UE. It turned out that it was the feast day of St. Jude! Yaaay! I've always been a devotee. That morning I lighted those set of colorful candles (each color with a diff. meaning) and hoped for the best.

I was so confident with TOP but as I took the exam my confidence level dropped to zero. I was so confused about those items. I was astounded to know that I do not know this and that  (my favorite subject is TOP). At the end of the day I became depressed. I was shocked too, that others seem so confident while I was in pure misery.

Now, my friends and I wanted to attend the mass at St. Jude Shrine to be celebrated by Archbishop Tagle. Hours before the mass the church was already full, and we're lucky that we went early. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep while waiting. The mass was so long but it was worth it. That night I had 4 hours of sleep yet again. So I was sooo sleepy the next day, and I was even more devastated about the exams. I had a severe case of trichotillomania as I "tried" answering psych assessment. It was pure guesswork on my part and I was so so unhappy after finishing it.


WAITING...

Waiting for the results was agony... I dare not hope to pass. I was in a daze. Right after the exam I slept for 18 hours straight. 18 Hours! Classic regression. I cocooned myself in my room. After a while I tried to act okay but I was really depressed about the exams. I was in denial. I was like, "Is it really over?! Can I take it again pleeeasse?". I was even angry for all those involved with the test construction. It was awful to take an exam with typos and grammatical errors. I was so afraid of the results that I asked my friends to just look for my name as soon as the results come out. I haven't any courage.
                   
                                
The final Judgement


I was online when a friend sent a message. Reading "Congrats!" made my heart jumped for joy. I couldn't believe it until she sent the link. I was sooo happy. My mom was shaking as I said that I passed.  I was shaking badly too! Excitement and joy mingled, my sympathetic nervous system was on fire, the fb notifs was crazy, and I'm deliriously happy.


BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE...

Midnight came and my blockmates congratulated me... for being a topnotcher.

"HA. HA HA AS IF". "WHAT AGAIN?! SRSLY??! DI NGA?"

Yet I looked it up and my name was there! I refreshed the 'abs-cbn news' page ten times just to be sure but my name was still there! WOW. YAAAY! IT'S TRUE! I never imagined that one coming! My mom and sister were jumping out of joy...

YESTERDAY'S  OATH TAKING

At PICC, it all came back. All the emotion I felt came crashing down on me as I went up the stage. Gratitude, immense happiness, a sense of accomplishment... Who would have thought that I, a happy-go-lucky soul, would be able to receive a medal and be standing right before such astounding persons who contributed much to psychology as a profession here in our country. And to be able to see such pride in the eyes of our college dean, my professors and especially my parents as I wore the medal... It all came back. All I can say is, thank you. I was basking in my loved ones' admiration and joy.

Now that it's over I just wanted to sear these memories in my mind, in my heart and in my soul. Lest I forget... People forget. I may forget. One thing's for sure, the person I am before all of this is so different to the person I am right now. No regrets. I'm so funny, I thought that I'd be wasting my time with this board exams. I was wrong. I was so wrong. It made me fall in love with psychology all over again. It bought me time for myself, bought me serenity, helped me grow to maturity, enabled  me to get closer with my friends, family and especially God... Truly, no matter what I'll face in the future, I'll be a better version of myself. So help me God.

Si Icasiam ay si Ikapito rin!

Si Icasiam ay si Ikapito rin!

ni Herwin E. Icasiam
4:05 AM
November 10, 2014
Sa aking kwarto

Ako si Herwin E. Icasiam, 21 na taong gulang at isa sa mga pinalad na makapasa sa Psychometrician Board Exam. Nais ko lamang ibahagi ang mala- “roller coaster ride” kong istorya bago ako makapasa.

Bago pa man ako tumuntong ng kolehiyo, naranasan ko ang isa sa pinakamalungkot na pangyayari sa aking buhay. Hindi ako nakadalo sa graduation exercises namin noong high school at muntik pa akong hini maka-graduate dahil sa mga pansariling pinagdaraanan. Sobra akong nalugmok noon na para bang wala nang kinabukasang patutunguhan. Mapalad pa rin ako at biniyayaan ako ng isang pamilya at mga totoong kaibigan na tumulong sa akin upang muling bumangon sa pagkadarapa. Sila ang mga taong nagtulak sa akin upang mag-aral muli at kumuha ng kurso sa kolehiyo. Pinalad akong makapasa sa pagsusulit sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas ngunit nahuli ako sap ag-aasikaso ng mga kinakailangan dokumento dahil sa mga oras ding iyon, hindi ko pa talaga mapagtanto ang mga gagawin sa buhay ko.

Hunyo ng taong 2010 nang yayain ako ng isang malapit na kaibigan (Jayven Bernardino) upang magpalista sa isang unibersidad sa lalawigan ng Quezon (SLSU). Pagdating naming doon, napag-alaman naming wala nang bakante sa halos lahat ng mga kurso sa College of Arts and Sciences (hindi pa namain alam noon na marami pa palang ibang colleges o departments maliban sa CAS). Ang natitra na lamang ay Agriculture at Forestry. Dahil hindi pa rin namin mawari kung ano talaga ang aming gusting kurso, isinulat na lang naming ang mga nasabing courses na may slots pa. Habnag papunta sa isang building para isumite ang mga requirements, may nakausap kaming isang guro na sinabing maaari pa raw magpalista sa kursong Sikolohiya. Sabi namin pareho, “Ano baa ng Psychology? Mukahang maganda naman pakinggan kaya ito na lang ang ilagay natin na course!” Dito na nagsimula ang aking relasyon sa Sikolohiya. Dito ko natutunan na ang pagpasok sa kolehiyo ay isang malaking tandang pananong at kahit gaano pa ka-aksidente ang kursong iyong napili, darating ang panahon na matututunan mo itong mahalin at pahalagahan.

Nagtagal ako ng isang semester sa SLSU. Nakatagpo ako ngmga bagong kaibigan at nagkaroon ng ika nga “puppy love” na pagtutunguhan sa Sikolohiya. Gayunpaman, napagkasunduan namin ng aking mga magulang na lumipat sa Laguna College (Siyudad ng San Pablo) nang sa gayo’y mas malapit ako sa lugar na kanilang pinagtatrabahuhan. Nasa tanggapan ako noon ng kolehiyong aking lilipatan nang tanungin ako’y tanungin kung anong nais kong kursonng kunin. Nakatapos na rin naman ako ng isang sem sa kurssong Sikolohiya kaya’t ninais kong ipagpatuloy na lamang ito. 

Unang linggo ko sa Laguna College nang aking malaman na ang kinukuha kong kurso ay bago’t papasibol pa lamang sa kolehiyong iyon (pangalawang batch kami). Kaya naman, hindi hihigit sa dalawampu ang mga mag-aaral na kumukuha nito. Ganoon pa man, mas pinili kong manatili sa kursong ito sa paniniwalang Malaki ang maitutulong nito sa akin. Lalo pang umigting ang aking pagkagusto sa Sikolohiya nang aming talakayin ang asignaturang “Theories of Personality” kung saan natuklasan kong ang mga nagtaguyod at sumikat sa larangan na ito ay kapwa may kanyang-kanyang dagok ring naranasan noong kanilang kabataan. Nagsilbing lundayan ang kanilang mga kwento upang pagningasin ang akin malungkot na karanasan sa isang makislap na kinabukasan. Ito ang nagtulak rin sa akin upang pag-ibayuhin ang pag-aaral.

From left to right: Tricia Ann Villanueva, Krizza Tan, RPm;
Mia Bisa, RPm; Herwin Icasiam, RPm

Lumipas ang apat na taon ng pagsusumikap, mga taong puno ng paghihirap at yaong galak. Nakatutuwang isipin na tapos na ang mga panahong nag-aaral ka sa dyip habang halos dalawang oras ka nagbibyahe makapasok lang sa paaralan. Ang mg oras ng pagpupuyat, pagninilay-nilay, at pagsusunog ng kilay ay nagbunga na! Naitawid at natapos ko rin ang kursong Sikolohiya! Tila hindi pa nahinto ang pagkakaloob sa akin ng Panginoon sapagkat pinalad pa akong makapagtapos nang may karangalan sa aking kolehiyo. Hindi mapagsidlan ang aking kasiyahan dahil sa loob ng walong taong paghihintay, ako’y muling nakamartsa suot-suot ang toga. Ramdam ko ang kagalakang nadama ng aking mga minamahal sa araw na ibinibigay ko ang petisyong pananalita. Ngunit sabi nga nila, ang pagtatapos ay isa ring panimula, isang pagbubukas ng pinto para sa mas mabigat na hamon ng buhay. 

“UNEMPLOYED”, salitang bumagabag sa akin ilang buwan makaraan ang aming graduation. Marami naman akong plano sa buhay at alam ko na naman ang aking mga gusto ngunit hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan. Hanggang isang araw, napagkasunduan naming apat (Mia, Krizza, at Nelson) na maglakas-loob na kumuha ng Psychometrician Board Exam. Naisipan din naming na maghanap ng review center bilang paghahanda sa pagsusulit. Nahirapan kami maghanap ngunit buti na lang natanggap kami sa SPARK (waitlisted kami). 

Bago pa man mag-review, naiingit ako sa mga ka-batch ko na may trabaho  habang ako, “nga nga” pa rin sa bahay. Ganon pa man, pinayuhan ako ng aking mga magulang na mag-focus muna ako sa review at saka na muna maghanap ng trabaho dahil ayaw na nila maulit pa ang nangyari sa akin noong high school. May kaunting kirot man sa puso, hindi ko muna tinaggap ang ilang mga alok sa akin sa trabaho. Naniwala ako sa aking mga magulang at sinabi ko sa aking sarili na, “Kaunting sakripisyo muna at ilang buwan lamang ang pagtitiyagaan ko ay magkakatrabaho na rin ako!” 

Naging buo ang aking loob na magpursigi sa pagrereview gaya ng aking pagsusumikap noong kolehiyo. Ngayon naman, “PRESSURE” ang salitang di mawaglit sa aking isipan. Pressure dahil minsa’y ninais kong maihanay ang pangalan ng aming kolehiyo sa TOP 10 at pressure dahil ayokong bumagsak. Pinili kong huwag pangibabawan ng negatibong pag-iisip kaya ginawa kong “chill” ang pagrereview. Ganon pa man, dumating ako sa punto na halos hindi ko na masunod ang schedule ng pag-aaral. Napadalas din ang paglabas-labas  at pagliliwaliw kasama ang mga kaibigan, napatuon ang aking atensyon sa pakikipagchat at pakikipag-text. Nawalan talaga ako ng focus sa pagrereview. Dumating din sa punto na yung mga kaibigan ko (Lalo na si Lisette at Charisse) ay kinukuha na nag aking cell phone at ayaw na makipagkita sa akin dahil gusto nila na magreview ako. Lahat ng payo ay binigay nila para lang tumimo sa aking isip na kailangan ko na mag-aral talaga. Umaabot ako ng alas-Siyete ng umaga na gising pa at walang tulog na wala akong ginagawa kundi magbabad sa TV, cell phone, at computer. 

Napagtanto ko lamang na magseryoso na noong nagkarron kami ng Achievement exam sa SPARK. Halos manghula talaga ako dahil hindi ko alam yung mga sagot sa pagsusulit. Syempre, bumagsak ako at nadismaya pero hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa at mas nabuhayan pa ng loob na mag-aral nang mabuti. Gumawa ulit ako ng panibagong schedule. Lunes hanggang Biyernes ay nag-self review ako. Tuwing Sabado naman ay lumuluwas ako ng QC para mag-aral sa SPARK. Itinaon ko namang araw ng Linggo ay “chill” at “cheat” day! 

Naging maayos naman ang unang buwan ko ng pagrereview pero heto na naman ang kampon ng katamaran at muli na naman akong nabihag sa buslo ni Juan Tamad. Hindi Hindi ko na naman nasunod ang schedule. Umabot pa nga ako sa punto na makiki-seat in ako sa UPLB, kasama ang mga kaibigan kong doon nag-aaral (Ameenah, Carol, at Tetet), dahil tinatamad ako magreview at gusto ko lang mag-ubos ng oras. 

Habang papalapit nang papalapit ang araw ng totoong pagsusulit ay papalayo nang papalayo ang tsanya ng aking pagpasa. BUMAGSAK AKO SA PRE-BOARD (Theories of Personality lang ang naipasa ko). Nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa talaga noon. Inisip ko nga na hindi na talaga ako papasa kasi kulang na kulang pa talaga ang inaral ko. Dalawang linggo na lamang ang natititra, hindi na ako nagpatinag kahit “CRAMMING” na, aral, basa, aral, basa, aral, na talaga ako. Daig ko pa ang Fast and Furious 6 sa bilis ko sa pagbabasa. Sinugurado ko na sa loob ng dalawang linggo ay naintindihan ko nang lubos ang mga aklat at handouts na aking binasa. Tinanong pa ako ng aking mama kung kaya ko ba daw ba? Ang sabi ko, parang babagsak ako sa exam. Ang sabi niya, “Okay lang yan anak, at least na-experience mo.” May punto ang aking nanay kaya mas ginanahan ako mag-aral dahil para sa kanila itong ginagawa ko. Doon ko rin nabuo ang motto na, “Hindi sa haba ng review nasusukat ang pagpasa kundi sa lalim ng iyong ginawang pag-aaral.”

Tatlo o apat na araw na lang ay “JUDGEMENT DAY” na, hindi na ako mapakali. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ayoko na magreview at masakit na sa hippocampus. Kaya naman, pinilit ko na lang mag-“chill” ulit. Pero sa totoo lang, kabadong-kabado na ako. Lahat na ng santo at santa ay dinasalan ko at maraming simbahan ang aking pinuntahan. Sa mga nalalabing araw na iyon, tanging dasal na lang talaga ang aking nagging sandigan. 

Dumating na ang unang araw ng exam at hindi ako nilubayan ng kamalasan. Dahil sa kaba, halos nabutas ko yung information sheet ko kasi napadiin ang pagsusulat ko ng pangalan. Nagkamali pa ako ng paglalagay ng subject heading sa answer sheet kasi dapat sa huling page magsisimula. Sinabihan pa ako ng proctor naming na, “Toy, relax lang.” Sa loob loob ko, sobra talaga akong kinakabahan at hindi ko nagustuhan ang pagtawag niya sa akin ng “Toy” (Kung “Nene pa yon, pde pa! HAHA). Nang ibigay na ang test questions, nagsimula na ako magsagot at magsimula ring mabura. Hindi ko napansin na “Strictly no erasures” pala kaya lalo ako kinabahan na baka ma-invalid ang answer sheet ko. Dahil sa hirap ng exam tapos hinaluan pa ng kaba, hindi ko na alam kung maipapasa ko baa ng exam pero pinilit kong sagutan lahat, intindihin ang mga tanong, guhitan at bilugan ang mga keywords, at mag-eliminate ng choices. Kung makikita niyo ang test questionnaires ko, sobrang dumi dahil sa guhit at bilog at kung anu-ano pang sulat. 

Dalawang araw ng pakikipaglaban sa pagpasa at ito’y hindi nagging madali para sa akin. Sadyang naging mapagbigay ang kapalaran sa isang taong tulad ko na tanging pagsusumikap at dasal ang naging sandata. Maraming maraming salamat sa aking pamilya, mga kabigan, mga guro, at sa mga institusyong aking kinabilanagn (SCES, PGMNHS, SLSU, LAGUNA COLLEGE, BIR, IRRI, Kidscove International), na tumulong at nagpatibay sa aking kaalaman at pagkatao. Higit sa lahat, tigib ang aking pasasalamat sa Panginoong Maykapal na hindi-hindi ako iniwan mula sa pinakamadilim hanggang sa pinakamaliwanag na bahagi ng aking buhay. 

Ngayon, masasabi ko na nga na si Icasiam ay si Ikapito na rin! 

Sa panulat ni:

Herwin E. Icasiam
Bachelor of Science in Psychology
Laguna College (Batch 2014)