Sunday, November 9, 2014

Fallen but not defeated

Fallen but not defeated
by Elay Tawano
AB Psychology graduate
La Consolacion College Manila

Three nights ago, PRC announced that 1,290 out of 3,283 passed in the first-ever Psychometrician board exam. 1,993 didn't make it and I was one of them.

Embarassment. Shame. Depression. Disappointment. Loss of direction. Diminished self worth.

When I discovered it, the natural instinct was to run away. The experience was psychologically paralyzing. Man, I wanted to vanish. All of my efforts were wasted. I consider this as the first failure that really affected me given the fact that I had many people in my life awaiting for the board exam results, and I had to tell them that I failed. The thing that I am most afraid of was that everyone would think I'm dumb or stupid. I immediately compared myself to others who passed which even made me feel down. I spent a couple of hours grieving over what I could have done differently; what I wish I could change. I wanted to isolate myself from those around me, not wanting to bother them with negativity about my failure for I know letting them down is more painful than letting myself down. 

After hours of being distant, I realized that at the end of the day, it is merely just a test. A result does not change who I am. I'm still proud of myself for I was brave enough to even be one of the thousands who courageously took the risk in taking the first Board exam for Psychometricians. I took the chance, I put myself out there and my ability to confront fear and doubt was really something. I'm still part of history and that will never change. I stopped wondering if things would have been different if I made it. I learned that the board exam has absolutely no bearing on whether I will be good at administering psychological tests or not. Also, I've discerned that my family, closest friends and significant other still believe in me and that they don't see me any differently today than they did yesterday.

From that surreal experience came a fresh realization that goals are just goals; dreams are just dreams. They are important, but we should not be totally dependent on them. Life goes on. The one who falls and gets up is much stronger than the one who has never fallen.