Thursday, November 6, 2014

Bewitched by my name

Bewitched by my name
by Elvira Masferré

A stroke of bad luck came when we heard that they did not approve the exam to take place here in Baguio, too. Now that was devastating, not to mention inconvenient, especially to those who lived even farther. It was scheduled on the 28th and 29th of October and my friends and I travelled Monday, a day before the exam. I did not even bother bringing all my notes, just one notebook. That’s self-fulfilling prophecy working in the flesh right there! I didn’t scan the materials from the review center until the last week. (It was not even the serious type of reviewing, too) And to top it all off, I had sore eyes a day prior to the board exam. Wow. Clearly I was not meant for this.

If there's anything worse than failing the board exam, it's failing the board exam because of my condition. I can't even read a single item without pouring Visine on my eyes and trying to remove the unlimited production of discharge every 5 minutes with my bare hands because I forgot to freaking pack with me a handkerchief which, by the way, caused more irritation. The dreadful cycle goes on as I try my best to answer each item correctly in the first subject: Theories of Personality. I want to pull it off until the end but it was too painful, and that is when I decided not to take the rest of the exam; I can hardly understand the stems presented. I tried reasoning out with our proctors but they told me to endure the pain and not give up since I can’t take the exam on a different day. I had no choice. Even with my case, I actually thought I had a chance, a slim chance though, of passing given the first three subjects, but when Psychological Assessment came, I lost hope. My chances suddenly fluctuated and I nearly cried as I continue to intellectually figure out distractors from the correct answer number after number. I don’t think I can pass even if I did work hard reviewing for it. It was not anything like I thought it would be. I mean, I knew it was going to be difficult, but not like this. The problem was not even about the effort or time spent on reading; it was more like focusing on misleading, irrelevant topics. I did not take into consideration that it was an Outcome-based board exam.

I became realistic, not pessimistic. I'm evaluating myself basing it from my performance, and frankly, I know I did not do well. My family and friends kept on telling me not to lose hope, and have faith in God, and to open my gates for possibilities, but I simply cannot hold on to these when I know that they are barely there. I do trust Him; it’s me that I don’t trust. I know myself enough to know what I can and cannot do. The fact is that this is one test I cannot achieve. When I got home, everyone asked me how well I did and I answered, “Ang importante kumpleto tayo at nagmamahalan tayong lahat.” I told my Mom not to expect anything from me and to simply move on and pretend that we did not waste money, effort, and time just for me to fail the exam.

It did not take long before they posted the results online. There was not even one bit of excitement nor anxiety left in my body. I humbly accepted defeat and failure. I quickly searched for my friends’ name if they passed. Some made it, some didn’t. Last but not the least, I looked for mine.  

WHAT.IS.THIS.SORCERY. That’s my name. That’s my name right there! How the bloody hell did that happen? Are they even serious? Don’t play with me gma news and PRC that is not a good joke. I was literally crying. It wasn’t pure happiness though since some of my friends did not make it. It doesn’t feel right at all. I pictured success with them, together. Nothing really changed because of the result. This does not mean that I am any better than them. I have not proven anything just because I passed; I have not proven anything yet. THE BOARD EXAM DOES NOT DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON AND YOUR LIFE IN GENERAL. There’s more to life than this. But in that very moment I thanked everyone who believed in me despite not believing in myself in the first place. It was an in-your-face moment to that one person who never believed in me and never thought I’d make it: ME. And I came to a realization that I should stop being harsh to myself and start being nice because I deserve it; I deserve my own forgiveness. I can’t even put into words my exact feelings about this whole experience. But on a serious note, there must be some crazy good witchcraft going on here.

(Note - we made a call for contributions for anecdotes of individuals who took the 2014 BLEPP (Psychometrician). For our first post, we are featuring the experience and success story of Ms. Masferré. We hope that her story will serve to  inspire those who would like to take the exam.)