Thursday, November 20, 2014

To My Dearest Future Self

by AA, RPm

To My Dearest Future Self,

It has been two weeks since the results the first Board Exam for Psychometricians were released. That night, remember when you opted to scroll down the pages when you can just easily find your name using Ctrl+F? You were filled with joy as you recognized a friend’s name, and just a couple of names after that, your name. Delighted, you quickly scrolled down to find two other friends whose surnames start with M, but they aren’t there. There must have been a mistake, you thought. And when it sank in to you that these two friends did not pass, that seconds bubble of happiness suddenly bursts. Victory and defeat both experienced at the same time, you thought you were going to make it together.

When you were applying to take the board exam at PRC, there was this woman you were next in line with, and she was applying to take the Board Exam in Midwifery…for the fourth time. You have a colleague right now who, a couple of years ago, just tried to take the LET board exam and passed it. Early this year, one close friend in high school passed her Board Exam in Physical Therapy. You had conversations before she went on the battlefield, she was telling you how it feels like. Only then you understood when it was your time. 

I don’t know why I’m telling you this. People passing the test because they worked hard for it is pretty simple to understand but I think I am just confused because some people fail their battles no matter how well-equipped they are, while some win theirs out of sheer luck. 

I am writing to you to ask you this question: will all this matter? I mean, passing the board exam at first take and belonging in the pioneer batch of passers. Will this determine where you are now? 

Remember when you were tasked by a professor to write a projection of yourself after 10 years. Your hopeful 18-year-old 3rd year college self wrote, “what will I be after ten years depends on either of these two things: pessimism and optimism.” You are now halfway in this 10-year-projection by age, “I would be twenty-eight turning twenty-nine ten years from now. At that time, I already passed the licensure exam. Probably I’m already done with the masters and doctoral degree in clinical psychology; and I took some art classes. I would be a clinical psychologist and an art therapist at the same time... I will be writing stories and novels that will be bestsellers and the books will be shipped around the world, changing people’s lives and perspectives on things.”

I think I am a quite behind the schedule you have set; this is because I, your easily discouraged younger self, is still collecting the blocks to build the foundations of courage to achieve you. 

When you first applied to the graduate school of one of the most prestigious university in the country months after you graduated from college, you didn’t get in. It was probably one of the first biggest failures in your life. It took you another three years to gain courage to try to apply for graduate school again, and now, you are on your first term pursuing MS in Clinical Psychology in a different university. 

I think the point is if you don’t make it the first time, try again. Chances are limitless; it is only us who limit the chances we get when we do not try again. I am saying all these to you because I know that life is a continuous process. You are what I want to achieve but you are not my endpoint. When I achieve you, it will still be an endless cycle of learning, gaining, and failing. Life is designed to be lived that way. 

Where you are now and even though you might be experiencing greater amounts of setbacks compared to what I am experiencing now, I hope you are less discouraged of a person compared to what I am right now. Because I have believed in you for so long and will still keep on doing so.

P.S. Let me recite to you your favorite lines in this song that you keep repeating to yourself as a mantra, “when the skies are looking bad my dear and your heart has lost its hope, after dawn there will be sunshine and all the dust will go…”

Your Younger Endlessly Hopeful Dreamer Self,